Tag Archives: relationships

Does being a book lover make it harder to find love?

Literature is so powerful. Whether it be quotes, poems or novels, some authors are so talented that the words they write down and share with us, stay in our minds and make us want to read the same story all over again. I am a lover of books and I always have been. I love the way you can immerse yourself deeply into a story line and forget about everything for the moments that you’re reading. I have quite a few books that are my absolute favourites which I have read over and over and I could continue reading numerous times because I love way they have been written, by the most talented authors.
 
When thinking of my favourite books and characters, I began to wonder about a few different things. It’s so easy to fall in love with a fictional character, it can happen after reading a book, or watching a film. After spending hours watching your favourite series, you become obsessed with the characters and the story line. When it’s over, you feel like your life is! It can be the same with books. You can enjoy a book so much that you start to believe the characters are real, or wish they were real. I started to think to myself, does being a book lover make it harder to form relationships in real life?
 
Take Fifty Shades of Grey, for example. I’m currently halfway through the second book. After watching the films, I wanted to be able to compare the books vs films and see which I preferred. Along with the rest of the population of women, it’s safe to say that I have fallen in love with the idea of Christian Grey. He is mysterious, sexy and always in control. But when you’re finished with the books and have watched the films, you have to keep telling yourself he’s not real. Everyone wants a Christian Grey, but he’s a fictional character and it’s very unlikely that I will find a Christian Grey walking down the street of my hometown.
 
When reflecting on myself and the way I view relationships, I am an old romantic. I believe in love, I believe in falling in love and I believe that we all have soulmates. Reading romantic fiction has made me believe in love even more intensely. I was thinking to myself, by reading I am constantly comparing real life people to those amazing characters that I have found in books. And so far, not many real world people have lived up to my standards.
 
Being a lover of literature, words, quotes and poems can sometimes distort the reality of our relationships. I know for myself, reading books has given me ideas of what I want in my life and the certain relationships I want to form in my life. This can be a great thing, because it has helped me in many ways. But, it’s hard not to compare with the characters you have read about.
 
The answer to the question; does being a book lover make it harder to form relationships in real life? I think potentially, it could make you raise your expectations about what you want from people.
 
Which is not a bad thing.
 
Reading makes me so happy, and I will never stop reading. I use this as an escapism from whatever is going on, and it gives me so many new ideas about my own writing.
 
I once saw a quote that said; ‘Never apologise for having high standards. The people that are meant to be in your life will rise up to meet them.’ 
 
This is so true. A fictional character you may have fallen in love with, or aspire to be like will never be a real person. But you can use the things you have read, quotes that have stuck in your head, to remind yourself of the way to form relationships and what you deserve. Although many books can seem ‘far-fetched’, you can still use the things you read and relate them to your own thoughts and experiences, which is something I do often.
 
One of my favourite ever books of poetry, is ‘Love and Misadventure’ written by Lang Leav. If you are a romanticist like me, who is full of love and loves reading about love, then you need this book.
 
It was hard to
choose because the book is absolutely fantastic. But, here is one my favourite poems from the book;
 
All or Nothing
If you love me for what you see, only your eyes would be in love with me.
If you love me for what you’ve heard, then you would love me for my words.
If you love my heart and mind, then you would love me, for all that I’m.
But if you don’t love my every flaw, then you musn’t love me – not at all.
 
– Lang Leav
 
I hope you continue to read and fall in love with many more characters.

 

Heartbreak.

I thought I would write about quite a deep, sensitive and emotional subject for this week’s blog post. I wanted to talk about something that I myself, have been through and can very much relate too and I hope that you can too. I wanted to talk about heartbreak and relate that to the importance of self-worth and believing in ourselves, even after a relationship breakdown.
When looking back at relationships, it’s easy to feel as though you regret being with that certain person, especially if the relationship ended in a toxic way. It’s hard to feel as though you could ever forgive that person for breaking your heart and hurting you. But I realised a lot of things each time I felt hurt and let down in another relationship, things that I will explain as this blog post goes on.
Feeling heartbroken brings about so many different feelings and emotions. You can feel lost and feel a sense of grief that you’re unable to be with that person anymore. Personally, I sometimes find it difficult to deal with change. I like having the same routine and this is the same for my relationships. I love having the same person there every day to be with, so for me, when that suddenly changes and they aren’t there anymore for whatever the reason may be, I completely struggle to deal with it. Once you have relied on someone for a certain amount of time, you truly believe that that person won’t be going anywhere and when they do, you feel lost and heartbroken.
Even if you are the person in the relationship that hasn’t done wrong, or even if the break up was mutual, you’re still left asking yourself questions; ‘Why wasn’t I good enough?’ ‘What am I going to do now?’ ‘Why didn’t they want me?’ ‘Will I ever find anyone else?’
There have been countless times for me, where a relationship has ended and I have felt totally worthless. The thoughts going around in my head are mad, and each knock back after knock back has made me feel as though I’ll never be good enough for anyone.
Getting over heartbreak is a process, and one that takes time. It’s just like when you’re grieving – grieving and heartbreak come under exactly the same bracket. There’s absolutely no time limit for heartbreak. There is no rule book to tell you how long it should take to get over someone. You need to give yourself time; time to heal, time to get over that person, time to feel emotions again, and time to love yourself.
The initial human reaction after a break up is to start feeling bitter towards that person. You feel as though you hate them, and you use this hatred in order to tell yourself how much you need to get over them. You force yourself to think of all the times they may have upset you and all the hurtful words they may have said to you and this ultimately makes the bitterness worse. I’ve done it myself, I intensify my ‘hatred’ for that person in order to tell myself how awful they are so that I can try to move on. For a long time, I’ve felt like this was the only way to be able to move on.
But I’ve been so, so wrong.
It’s the most freeing feeling to just move on from something and feel genuinely happy. I realised that in order to move on from feeling heartbroken and hurt; you MUST LET GO. You cannot hold onto the hate and hurt and use that in an attempt to move on, it doesn’t work.
It’s important to look at relationships from a different angle. Be thankful for the memories that the relationship gave you without feeling bitter. You enjoyed the time you spent with that person and the way they made you feel for a while, and they became a chapter in your life. Just because that chapter may have ended, doesn’t mean your life is over. I know how worthlessness feels, but I also know how important it is to shake the feeling of it off, and how important it is to continue with your life without that person, focusing on yourself and only yourself.
I found that I was too busy relying on other people, and I was focusing too much on my relationships to make me happy. I was desperate to find someone who could give me the love that I deserve, and who could give me the love that I was able to give to them. Unfortunately, I haven’t found that person yet. But that’s perfectly okay.
I’ve been hurt, but I can use these past relationships to help me find the right one. I’ve learnt a lot about myself, I’ve learnt how strong I am, and that I really don’t give myself enough credit!
I really want to stress how much you cannot let someone else make you feel as though you aren’t good enough. Stop asking yourself the questions I mentioned earlier, because you are enough and you always will be for someone. If a person makes it clear they do not want you – move on and better yourself. There’s no time to be wasted.
I know these words are easy to read but very difficult to do when you’re actually in the situation of a break up. But it’s taken me to feel heartbroken a couple of times to realise that I am worth more than the way I have been treated in the past, and now I know this, I won’t settle for anything less than someone who adores me, and neither should you!
I want you to take away from this post that things will always get better. I want you to learn to appreciate your past relationships, and even though they may not have worked out, they have taught you something. Let go of any bitterness, there’s more to life than feeling anger towards someone. You are worth everything and more, and one day you will find the right person who emphasises your worth every single day.

 

I truly hope you all find the person you’re looking for and have long, happy and successful relationships.